Clayton Lord is Director of Foundation Programs at SHRM, the Society for Human Resource Management. He's also a leader on the autism spectrum. On the podcast this week, he and I discuss the particular skill-building leadership demands, and how it’s different for neurodivergent leaders.

Leadership takes practice! Years of practice mean Lord now focuses on leveraging his strengths in problem-solving, process mapping, and bringing order to chaos. I’ve experienced his skill at crystallizing unruly ideas firsthand.

"I get comments about how people appreciate that when I get involved in a process, everything calms down and becomes logical and starts moving," Lord shares. "And I feel like that's my neurodivergence coming in. So it's nice to own that as a positive contribution."

61% of people feel the need to suppress parts of their identity at work in order to conform to stereotypical ideals of leadership and power. For neurodivergent individuals, this often means masking - the act of concealing neurodivergent traits to appear neurotypical.  Clayton is candid about the exhaustion that can come with everyday masking and navigating interpersonal dynamics. "There were moments when my daughter was younger where I would get home with her from childcare, and my husband knew that what I needed to do was go upstairs and lay flat on my back for a half hour," he shares. "And that I was really sorry that I was having to abdicate my parenting responsibilities for a half hour, but I just couldn't not."

Lord approaches the craft of interpersonal leadership with intention. He knows he moves quickly and can sometimes skip over niceties like small talk. His passion for work means he can come off as dismissive or critical. But ultimately, self-acceptance is key. "I understand that I am who I am," he reflects. “I don't try to fundamentally change who I am for people anymore, because I just know after 43 years, it's not going to happen. So they have to figure out how to like me for the version I can present to them or not. One of the Post-its on my desk says, 'Look at yourself with curiosity, not judgment.' And I have been trying really hard to do that.”

Lord keeps Post-it reminders on his desk to reframe differences as strengths, and also uses helpful hacks to “burnish the edges” when a situation demands more nuance or interpersonal finesse than is his natural wont. “I think it's actually par for the course for me that the way I think about things is relatively black and white. I tend to be hard on myself, and I also tend to be relatively black and white with other people. It can create circumstances where I don't have the nuance in what I'm saying for the other person to understand the nuance of what I mean."

He's learned the importance of bringing people along, realizing that complex problems require collaboration. Lord now calibrates feedback, because his desire to dive deep was construed as intense criticism in the past.  He’s learned that small talk feels big for many colleagues. For example, an executive coach once gifted Lord a small hourglass and advised that in one-on-one meetings, he wasn't allowed to discuss work until the minute of sand had passed through. This felt awkward at first, but helped Lord ease into conversations and build rapport. Today, he makes a point to check in casually with each team member before diving into agenda items. Software that tracks employee wellbeing also helps him stay attuned to his team's needs.

One of my favorite tricks from Clayton- a habit I also share- is a proliferation of Post-it notes:

“My therapist had me write down a bunch of things on Post-its that I still keep by my desk. And one of them, which I'm reading right now, says, ‘Stop comparing yourself negatively to other people.’”

Exercise: What Does Your Post-It Say?

My desk is covered in Post-its: messages to reframe my brain when negativity and thought traps sink in. The piece of paper becomes a mental shortcut to pause and reframe. Here are some of my favorites:

"Think Before You Speak" ... a challenge for me and my busy brain.

“It doesn’t have to be hard… people want to pay you” for when I catastrophize about money and the uncertainty of entrepreneurship. Great inspiration from Chris West.

“What Is Meant For Me, Will Find Me” - beautiful advice from Jess Weiner for when I compare myself to others and get mired in negative thinking.

What do your Post-its say? Think of two reminders that really work when you need a nudge or get stuck in thought traps. Could be a goal, inspirational quote or an enforcement for a habit you want to encourage.

I'd love to know!

Morra