Learning to be compassionate with your high achieving self.

“I thought I was weak. Our firm has about 1800 attorneys, I thought all the other 1799 were able to deal with the stress of our jobs and our lives. Why am I the only weak one who's not able to?” 

That’s my guest Mark Goldstein, explaining how he felt when he left his job because of major depression and OCD. (Spoiler alert: While he worried "I'm never going to practice law here again," the firm welcomed him back when he was healed, and he’s been thriving there ever since and meeting so many others with mental health challenges.)

For years, Mark never took a vacation. And after regular work hours, his OCD led him to regularly review every hundreds of emails he’d sent because he was anxious something bad would happen. He drove himself -- hard-- for years and all along, he felt he’d be weak if he’d ask for help. 

Being compassionate with yourself is hard. When you’re an achiever-- or more, a perfectionist, it's near impossible. But I want to pose this to you:  Who said you had to be perfect?

If you’re constantly diminishing the quality of your work, your ability to manage things, or even your worthiness, ask yourself: Why do I have to be perfect? 

My therapist said this to me once because I was so anxious and frazzled about flubbing a presentation at work. She said, “Why do you have to be so special at everything? Whoever told you that?” I said, “I’ve always been special since I was three years old.” She said, “Well, who says?”

That’s the fear for people with anxiety. Psychologist Alice Boyes notes that it’s a self-protective thing. “You end up believing, “The only way I’ve succeeded in life or the only way I’m being accepted and loved and that I’ve got my basic needs met is by being excellent, by overdoing everything. Not being the best at everything isn’t a threat to you. It isn’t a threat to you getting what you want out of life.”

And so sometimes when I’m stressing about a looming failure on my horizon I’ll just tell myself, “What makes you so special”? Why can’t you do bad work or have a bad day like everyone else?

You’ll hear David talk about his recovery in our episode…as well as the amazing Dr. Kristin Neff who will share how to be compassionate with yourself.

A slightly kinder way is to remember, you’re not alone. This is a principle drawn from Buddhism and then self-compassion, and it’s very useful. Remember how good it would feel in school if you got a really bad grade on a test, but then you learned almost everyone else in the class did too? No one wants to feel alone. 

Here is a self compassion exercise for perfectionists. As Dr. Neff would say, “Instead of self-judgment, show yourself self kindness.”

Simply sit and place your hands on your chest. Feel your breath, in and out. Connect with the feeling of your hands on your sternum, and take a moment of stillness.

Think of something you did well recently-- yes, really. It could be something you rocked at work, or it could be something as simple as remembering to floss or the fact that you got in a workout during this busy time. It could be a kind text message you sent to a friend…anything that you did that made you feel good.

Hold your chest and think through that moment, and tell yourself, “I did a good job.”

And try to really feel it. Don’t jump to a negative thing or criticism, or the next item on your to do list.