College admissions haunts me, and my children aren’t even in high school yet. It is a bubbling cauldron of anxiety for students and their parents, born out of the toxic combination of the pressure to achieve, social comparison, financial means, and sheer willpower. 

I really wanted to talk about college admissions and anxiety… and who better to talk to than Ron Lieber, author of the “Your Money” column for the New York Times and author of the books The Price You Pay for College and The Opposite of Spoiled.

Ron offers two centering questions for high achieving students and their high achieving parents to consider during the college application process:

What is my definition of success?  How much success is enough?

These questions are fundamental – and not just for high school students and their parents. We should ask them of ourselves every year of our lives. What is my definition of success, and how much is enough? Will I ever have enough?

If you’re a parent -- or a student-- finding yourself simultaneously overwhelmed and obsessed with the college admissions process or simply the question “am I doing enough to succeed?” then it’s time to slow down, take a deep breath, and take another deep breath. Exploring the source of the definitions driving the process can reduce the stress and anxiety. 

My eighth grader said to me recently, “all my friends are already planning where they wanna go to college. And if they're not in the Science Olympiad, they are learning six languages and everyone goes to Russian Math and it's just a lot.” (Russian School of Math is an expensive, intensive, supplemental math program).  

He felt behind, and wondered if he was doing enough to match his peers. When I heard him I was seized with guilt and anxiety. I felt like I needed to dive in and sign my son up for … well, everything – all the extracurricular classes. And then I made my son’s worry about me. Why hadn’t I worked harder to ensure his competitive advantage? And then my brain offered up the ultimate anxiety: What if his father and I couldn’t afford college, and we took that opportunity away from our son? I was in a spin of anxious catastrophizing. 

In moments like these, Ron advises parents to take a step back and ask whether they're parenting for themselves or for the sake of their children. 

I love this anecdote he shared during our interview: ”When I was in eighth grade and playing basketball, our coach had us memorize what Coach John Wooden, the legendary UCLA men's basketball coach used to say to his players, which is “Success is peace of mind. It is the direct result of the self-satisfaction of knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” 

Ron continues, “There's nothing in there about math. There's nothing in there about the Ivy League. There is a peace of mind that feels pretty closely synonymous with happiness and satisfaction. You've done your best and you feel good about it.”

We want our kids to be happy. But most of us want them to be successful, too. If you're a parent struggling to define success for your children (let alone yourself), it’s time to get to work. We’re going to do an expectations audit. 

Whether you’re a parent thinking about their child’s route or a young person wondering what success means for you, it’s important to look at all the factors that contribute to your definition of success. The sources might surprise you, from early influences to current peers and friends. Here’s how we’re going to do the hard work of unpacking our expectations:

1. Put aside some time – start with 15 minutes. 

2. Find a quiet spot, and bring a notebook and a pen or pencil.

3. Take a deep breath. You can do this! We’re going to do an expectations audit. 

4. Take the Four Tendencies Quiz. What is your tendency around expectations?

5. Write down a big milestone from your career.

6. Whose expectation was I trying to meet by reaching for and achieving this milestone?

7. Is this an expectation I want to keep, or can I let this one go?

8. Is this an expectation I want my children to carry into their adult lives? 

Sometimes our expectations need to be rebalanced, just like our retirement portfolios. The college admissions process can surface some of our worst expectations. Take 15 minutes to do the expectations audit – for your sanity and for your kid’s sanity. 

(Extra credit: Go back and take a listen to my interview with Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project – that’s where this expectations audit exercise was born.)

More about Ron here: https://ronlieber.com/