Quick: What do your dog, a great lover and a newborn baby have in common? 

They can all help you produce oxytocin, a hormone that creates powerful wellbeing and can calm anxieties that keep you stuck, like fear of flying. My podcast guest this week, Daryll Henrich, had a fast rising management career at Google… and his anxiety prevented him from getting on an airplane for almost 5 years. He was an early adopter of video conferencing. "I developed a paralyzing fear of airplanes. This was the high accelerating part of my career when I needed to be in California a lot. I was living in New York and I was supposed to be at all these global meetings... And I developed a reputation as the leader who would set up meetings and wouldn't attend his own meeting." The shame and stigma around that phobia was worse than the acute depression he'd suffered previously, he told me.

Even though the facts say that flying is one of the safest methods of transportation, that doesn’t stop many of us from feeling anxious at the very thought of getting on a plane. And if you have a job where you travel a lot for work, this can really get in the way. For some of us, every moment on a plane can be one of extreme anxiety. For those of us whose work demands a lot of air travel, flying anxiety can be very limiting. And for those of us who are more sensitive or need more control, it can be even more intense. I used to be so anxious when I flew I was never sober. I’d drink and take benzodiazepines to blunt my anxiety. Sometimes, I still do, although it’s less and less because now I have some great skills.  

Captain Tom Bunn has developed an excellent program that has helped many people overcome their fears. I love his books Panic Free and SOAR. Bunn, an air-force veteran, airline captain, and a licensed therapist, was part of the first fear-of-flying program at Pan Am in 1975. Now he’s president and founder of SOAR, Inc., which has helped thousands overcome their fear of flying. In our interview Capt. Bunn said something that just made perfect sense to me. He said: being on the ground is our most basic way of controlling things. When you get lifted off the ground you get your control taken away from you. And when the plane suddenly drops, your cortisol spikes, because that’s how you’re programmed. 

His method involves simple exercises and a lot of oxytocin, powerful tools you can use to ease your fears without drugs or alcohol. (I’m not judging. I’ve been there. Ativan can help.)

Practice vagal maneuvers. The vagus nerve literally controls our fight-or-flight instincts. Signals that we are physically safe stimulate the vagus nerve—which is in charge of panic attacks and other stress responses in the parasympathetic nervous system—to slow your heart rate and calm you down.

So, before you get on the plane, build a practice that allows you to visualize a precious or calming presence and link it directly to the challenges you will face on the plane. Imagine the face of someone who loves you: your lover, your partner, your baby, even your dog.

Flood your oxytocin. When you’re flooded with oxytocin, a deep sense of well-being will shut down your anxiety. To find your oxytocin, imagine a triggering moment: amazing sex, nursing your new baby, hugging your dog, even something like closing a deal. Try to remember every detail and talk yourself through it. I have to admit, I imagine nursing, where I can even feel a “phantom letdown.” Captain Tom notes that men who have flying anxiety do better imagining moments of afterglow after great sex.

For a more advanced exercise, you can try to train your brain to link the oxytocin with the elements of flying. When you hear the announcement for boarding, trigger your oxytocin. When you hear the click of the seat belt or the flight attendant asking for devices to be turned off, trigger your oxytocin. In time, your memories will become automatically linked to the flight ritual, and slow down your stress hormones.

Associate an anxiety trigger with someone you love, and replace the anxiety with your friend’s voice. My friend Christina Blacken used this exercise to manage claustrophobia she developed during the pandemic. She says, “this exercise about associating a trigger with a positive memory of someone that you care about is really powerful because anytime you're triggered by that event, reshaping the trigger to a positive memory actually calms your nervous system, which allows you to not ruminate, which then allows you to reduce anxiety. And that immediately calms your system.” When she would feel panic, Christina instead would summon a visual of her sister singing a funny song. 

You can also practice “loving-kindness.” Buddhists use a simple meditation in which you picture someone you love in front of you, someone who fills you with a sense of security, and imagine them wishing you well. The words of the meditation are, “May I feel safe. May I feel content. May I feel strong. May I live with ease.” You can use any words that are natural to you as well: “You are fine,” or, “You are safe,” for example. You can also wish that person well with the same words. It really helps.

You can do it!

Morra