We avoid talking about grief and loss. Heck, I avoided writing this newsletter, so hesitant was I to bring up such a challenging topic.

But then I remembered a 2021 poll reporting almost half of American adults felt feelings of grief and loss. Grief is an issue of big concern nationwide, with 86% of Americans saying it should be addressed as an important mental health issue. Grief is just one thorny emotion we try to erase from the office environment. But when we deny people their feelings at work, we deny the empathy and trust that build strong teams and good relationships. We force a grieving person to fit into a mold that they simply may not be ready for.

Grief and loss must become a part of our workplace vernacular… but 70% of Americans feel they don’t have the skills to talk about grief and loss with their coworkers. 

Listen to my interview with Rebecca Soffer, author and founder of Modern Loss, and your perspective will change.

Rebecca wants people who are grieving to know “you will bring your grief to work.” Grief doesn't respect office hours – so chances are that while you’re at work, your grief will surface. Grief doesn't respect a timeline. It can show up years later and stymie you, just as you need to perform.

Soffer reminds us that you need to cut yourself a break. Grief shows up unexpectedly. It may “tap you on the shoulder right before you have a presentation. You will see something triggering on your feed right before you talk to your manager or have to focus on something. It's going to happen because your grief is alive because you're alive. It's a very dynamic thing and you have very little control, especially in the early days, of what affects you.”

How can we support colleagues who are grieving?

It is simple… but it is hard. First, most simply, just check-in. Send a text or note that it might be a difficult day and you’re here to support.  A text message is totally fine: “Hey, I'm thinking of you. I know it's Mother's Day” Or, “I know it's your dad's birthday this week. If you wanna go out for lunch, let me know.”

You don't have to be a PhD to support someone living with loss, laughs Soffer. Just be human. Be human. If you don't know the right thing to say, you can always revert to, “Hey, I wish I knew the right thing to say, but I don't. I’m a little awkward around this stuff, but I care about you. And I'm really sorry you're going through this and I just want you to know that I'm here.”

Managers can work with grieving employees by lowering expectations, for example, by shifting performance measurement periods to accommodate some extra space employees need. Some people bury their grief in work, and some need to do less. Have the conversations and learn what your colleague needs.

Above all, says Soffer, “make it clear that you’re not scared off by their hard thing.” Listen in and join our discussion.