How do you get through the day when you’re not ok?

If you’re caring for your kids, your parents, or both, it’s tough to stay focused on work when you’re always on guard that you’re going to have to run to school or answer a doctor’s call. I frequently say to myself: “Oh shit, I really need to drop everything and deal with this crisis at home but I’m supposed to host a Zoom for work, so can I surreptitiously text under my lap and talk at the same time and hopefully no one will notice?”

In 2015, Craig Kramer was a Vice President at Johnson and Johnson. His wife also had a demanding job in corporate America. And he was in a family crisis. “I had one child coming out of an inpatient facility. I had another one going into the criminal justice system and a couple of other stressors in the family at that time. And my then boss called me and said, your position has been eliminated. I have little doubt that my performance had something to do with that. People understood that I was not engaged. It was out of that moment I realized it was time to do something in this area.”

Peter Lee-Kramer, Craig’s son, led the Tufts University soccer team to their first national title. Weeks later his mental health crisis changed everything, and led father and son to re-evaluate their priorities and shift their career goals. Today, Peter is in a graduate program to become a licensed therapist, while Craig serves as a mental health advocate. 

This week on the podcast I interviewed Craig Kramer and Peter Lee-Kramer, father and son, in a deeply honest conversation about what it means to be a caregiver when someone you love has serious mental health challenges. Like most of us, Craig and his family had to figure things out by themselves. Craig says, "The 'system' for mental health is so hard to navigate. It's just a bunch of diffuse, disparate resources and if you're lucky and strong and persistent and rich enough, you can pull 'em together." The family has to really become the 360 support system – as best you can. And who’s family is perfect? It puts a lot of pressure on everyone in the family. 

I asked Leslie Forde, CEO of Moms Hierarchy of Needs, to help me figure out how you get through the day when you’re not ok:

1. Streamline communication. Now might not be the time to engage in Slack channels dedicated to fun and hobbies or volunteer at work. “Prioritize with reckless abandon,” says Leslie. Tell the people you must talk to every day that you’re in a family emergency situation. Instead of endless email or Slack back and forth, set up times to check in and deliver feedback.

2. Create clean boundaries. Create as many clean boundaries on your time as you possibly can. Practice saying no. "Sorry. No. I really wanted to do that for you, but I'm kind of dealing with an emergency right now, so I've had to let go of a pretty large list, and this was on it. I'd love to revisit it in a month or a year."

3. Don’t do it alone. If you have the psychological safety, have a one on one conversation with your manager and explain what’s going on. Leslie shares, “I've been the manager on the other side of that conversation, and I've been very honored when people have shared with me that they have something very intense and personal and devastating going on, because then I was able to clear hurdles out of their way. I was able to streamline their work, streamline their meetings, and reach out to HR on their behalf in some cases.”

4. Very few corporate cultures value caregiving. If there isn’t psychological safety with your manager, Leslie suggests finding peers and allies through an employee resource group (ERG) or peer support community. There is wisdom and safety in numbers. 

5. Take care of yourself. Clear boundaries extends to your self. There’s no off button to your job -- or to your caregiving responsibilities. So you need to create and protect an “anchor of continuity.” The space isn’t there for you. You have to make the space. Leslie is a runner, every day. She sets a little space aside for herself every day that is her “anchor of continuity”. She tells me, “Caregiving is emotionally demanding and physically demanding in some cases. And of course, working is voracious. It has no end anymore. You need that little anchor of continuity, that little space or serenity, whatever you decide it is.”

6. Problem solving mode is ok. When you’re in the meltdown moment-- say the assisted living calls or the school calls – go into problem solving mode. This is where anxiety can be useful: problem-solving provides an adrenaline burst that gets me through. I breathe, and then I make a list. I pull up my calendar, write down my urgent to-dos, and then  I can lead the meeting or get on the stage or do whatever it is I need to do and stay focused. Problem-solving mode is what gets me through the meltdown moments. But if you don't make a contained space to feel your feelings, to just let it go, trouble starts. If you're always in problem-solving mode, you'll burn out. 

7. Connect with your values. Caregiving can be a drag. It makes us anxious and often resentful. “We are constantly making trade offs with our time,” Leslie says. There is deep value alignment, connection, and identity around what we feel that we are obligated to do and even what we want to do when it comes to care. People generally are going to feel the most whole if they've done what is in alignment with their values. And so very few people would feel good about prioritizing work if they have an injured or sick child or an injured or sick parent that really needs their acute help.” 

You have to find your way to peace. Leslie says you need to tell yourself, “I'm doing something that I know in my heart is the right values-aligned choice for me. And if my employer's not on board with that and I can't find a good compromise or a good way to engage in the work and provide what I consider an acceptable standard at home, then something's going to give. And I can tell you right now, the employer's not going to win. The employer's not going to win. Not ever.”

The good news? “There’s more grace and tolerance in the workplace than there ever has been around the need for caregiving support and the need for mental health support. If you have that evolved leader or HR manager, or you have a really great group or network, start there. Don't assume that no one will help you. Start from a place of looking for the support that you deserve,” says Leslie.

Morra

Learn more about Leslie Forde and her work with companies and organizations