My podcast guests often give me ah ha moments in our interviews. But sometimes these insights shine a bright, uncomfortable light on my own life. Today’s interview with Prof. Dr. Julia Milner, Professor in Leadership at EDHEC Business School and the former Academic Director of its Global MBA program, helped me understand I have been unintentionally micromanaging a lot of people I care about for many, many years.

Instead of truly listening, asking good questions, and understanding the outcomes others want, I’m too quick to dive in with advice and my opinion. Honestly, I do it on auto-pilot.

When I interviewed Milner I realized: I’m so used to giving people advice and assuming they want it. What if they don't? What if my advice is the opposite of what they need?

I’m what Milner calls a “motivational micromanager.” When we offer advice we’re not doing so with bad intent. Often we are anxious and we want to try to control things so we feel less anxious. Sometimes it's so much easier as a manager, and frankly, I think about my life as a mother and a wife also. You're so overwhelmed, it's just easier to say, “do this, this, and this.” And then it feels done- you don't need to think about it anymore.

Milner notes, you care a lot about the outcomes, but you are also holding onto power because you want to control the situation. “So you think, okay, well, in order to do the best for the team and to make it all work, I have to come up with the answer. I have to be in control. I have to manage this all. So let's just do this. Let's give advice and let's go ahead with it.” Here’s a great example from Milner:

Imagine you’re out for dinner with a friend or loved one and you agree to split dessert. You say, “Don't you think that the chocolate cake over there looks like the best dessert? Don't you think we should get it?” That’s micromanaging. It’s in the form of a question, and you’ve not explicitly said “We should get this chocolate cake,” but how much room for movement do you think there is for your friend to suggest his dessert choice?

We all know being micromanaged feels awful. It can make us feel like children, make us anxious, feel the opposite of full of power and agency. Dr. Julia Milner’s research shows that micromanaging stifles growth and happiness for others. She suggests that we adopt a coaching mindset instead of giving advice. For me this has been a transformative experience!

Milner says, “A coaching mindset means letting the other person arrive at their own solution. It does not mean sitting back doing nothing, but it means supporting them with coaching techniques such as questioning, listening, empathy, and goal setting so they can arrive at their own solution.” Milner’s research finds that a common outcome of micromanaging is a lack of dialogue in meetings. Even if it seems like there's dialogue, there are closed questions; it's not true dialogue, it's prescriptive. So consider: Are you asking a question, or offering advice?

Here’s a sample scenario we can all relate to:

Imagine one of your employees is in charge of managing an outside vendor to deliver a creative design in time for the company’s annual meeting. They’re nervous about the timeline, and bring this up in your 1:1.

And so, you ask your employee: “Have you thought about calling the vendor and asking them to push up their dates for a week?”

Milner says this isn’t a question- it’s advice. “You want me to call the vendor because you think it's a good thing for me to do. You're not asking me, ‘Hey Julia, what do you think? What options do we have?’ Or ‘Hey, Julia, what have you tried so far?’ Or, ‘Hey, Julia, what do you think matters for the client or the vendor?’ You do not let me include any of my experience, my thoughts, or the work that I have done on the project.”

Try using a coaching mindset: Really listen to what comes up. “Because how do we know that your suggestion of pushing the vendor back by a week is actually the best way to go about it?”

Milner suggests you ask open-ended questions; be really interested and curious about the perspective of the other person. “Then listen truly to what comes up, and then go with that. If you have to add in your perspective, then say it and be transparent about that.”

Sometimes you have to be the boss and that's fine. Tell your employee what to do, plainly. Don’t hide it behind questions.

Milner notes, “Not all situations are coaching situations, but I would say in 90% of the cases, there is an opportunity to coach. Leaders are not taking it because they say, ‘I'm time poor,' or 'I have to be in control,' or 'This is what I'm the boss for.’ But these are thinking errors because if you are constantly in the micromanaging mode, you are actually losing time because you're creating bottlenecks. For every little decision people have to come to you, so you have no time to focus on strategic tasks. It's much wiser to invest into these coaching techniques, which might take a little bit of time in the beginning, but will save time in the long-term.”

Here's to the coaching mindset!

Morra

PS: If social media makes you anxious- you are SO not alone! You can control your social media- and not let it control you. Check out my advice here. It was LinkedIn's "Idea of the Day!"

PPS: HBR named my interview on IdeaCast one of their best leadership podcasts of the year- if you want to help your team enjoy better mental health this year, listen here.