When one of my direct reports is having mental health challenges, I always want to get it right-- but I haven’t always nailed it. Sometimes, I want to take in all their pain and help them. I want to ask them questions and learn more. But that’s not appropriate- it might cross their boundaries. When’s the right time to bring in an expert? Will that increase or decrease the trust between me and my employee? I also worry about the impact of their challenges will impact others’ workloads. How can I show empathy while still making sure the work gets done?

Being a manager requires having conversations that feel intimate and discomfiting. The key is to remember you’re not alone. It’s not your job to be the office therapist and you don’t need to show up with solutions when a team member is struggling. Sometimes, you just need to show up. 

In this week’s episode, I turn to Daisy Auger-Dominguez, Chief People Officer at Vice Media Group, and ask her for advice. Daisy says, “Sometimes when I see a team member who is a little wobbly, I ask them: do you need me to witness, help or distract you right now?”

• Do you need me to witness? When an employee wants you to witness, they want you to listen – not solve. It’s just about them. All of us need to vent from time to time, and sometimes a little listening from your boss goes a long way.

• Do you need me to help? This is pretty straightforward - your employee is looking for assistance. Bring in your HR team, find a resource to help them with their mental health, give them some scaffolding to help them through their difficult time.

• Do you need me to distract you? Sometimes we need our boss to direct us: here is something I need done on a tight deadline. I need help with this project. And sometimes we just need to take our mind off things… to take a walk down the block and get some coffee. 

Listen, help, distract: what’s most helpful to you right now? It’s such a useful technique. 

It’s important to recognize the power dynamic between a manager and an employee when dealing with mental health. The best managers genuinely care about their teams, and recognize that bringing out their best works takes attention to the whole person. But sometimes asking a direct report to be vulnerable with you can take advantage of the power dynamic and be problematic. 

So what do you do? It’s simple: don’t do it alone. Bring someone else to the conversation so that it’s not a one-or-one, but a smaller team conversation. Consider your language so the employee can control the situation and decide if they want to be vulnerable. They need to know you care about them and can see they are struggling – and that you want to help. But they also need to know that it’s up to them. It’s a tricky line. 

Take a listen to my conversation with Daisy – it is incredibly insightful. 

Morra