The stereotype about a negotiation is that it's a game of chicken: someone has to leave the table or die. This approach is called combative, or positional negotiation, and it’s what we see in movies and also in my favorite Reality TV genre: real estate shows. 

What if you thought about a negotiation not as a win but as a success--one that makes both the other party and you feel good? My podcast guest, legendary negotiation coach and former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss says: understand your counterpart’s motivations and be curious. And use your empathy.

“When you're genuinely curious, you can't be afraid at the same time,” says Voss. “The brain is not capable of both emotions. You can't be intimidated. You can't have self-doubt. Genuine curiosity about the world or the interaction is [a] superpower, which takes some practice and prep to get into.”

When you’re curious, Voss says, you can ask: “all right, so if you're not going to pay me, I'm just really curious why? What's behind this? That approach is also non-threatening to the other side. The great thing about curiosity is you remove yourself as a threat to the other side.”

And empathy:

“When you say something that the other side believes is completely accurate, you actually trigger an epiphany in them.” They think, ‘that’s right.’ People are bonded.” It’s a great tool.

Anxious achievers actually have a great advantage in negotiations, since we’re strongly attuned to both others and ourselves. This lets us adjust to diverse situations and other people’s expectations, which is crucial to successful negotiating. Put your attunement to work. When does the other person sound fearful? Angry? Relieved? Bored? What aspects of the situation seem to motivate them in conversation? Your observations can steer your responses and your strategy.

Until I learned to negotiate like myself, I was a puddle in every negotiation. Meaning, I said yes too quickly, and didn’t fight for my terms. Instead of understanding that a negotiation isn’t personal, and that a counteroffer doesn’t mean the other party doubts your worth, I’d take everything personally. And give in. I left a lot of opportunities and financial benefits on the table simply because I was scared to ask. 

Now, I trust my gut, and handle negotiations in my own way: by doing my homework, asking lots of questions, and finding a common thread between me and my counterpart. The first step towards a successful collaboration is attuning yourself--both to the situation, to your needs, and to the needs of your counterpart. 

When I own my own style, I still don’t always get exactly what I want, but I know my emotional BATNA. BATNA--or “best alternative to a negotiated agreement-- is especially important when you’re very attached to the outcome, and gives you a compass even in the most risky negotiation. For example, if you’re negotiating for salary in a prospective new job, your BATNA could be that you’ll remain in your current job quite happily. It could be a dollar figure.

There’s an emotional BATNA to every negotiation too, and listening to it will keep you from wasting their time and yours. For example, if your asking price is keeping you up at night, consider lowering your price. If negotiating a huge fee out of a contract is going to give you crippling performance anxiety, take less. Your emotional well-being and anxiety management is part of the cost/benefit ratio. 

You may think that emotions and negotiations go together like chalk and cheese. They don’t. I’ll never forget what White House Senior Policy Advisor and Harvard Medical School Associate Professor Dr. Kimberlyn Leary said to me about emotions at the table: We don't have a choice. “You're always engaged emotionally if you're relating to other human beings,” she says. The key is to use your emotions as a tool. 

Dr. Leary says “emotions are really like a set of sensors that give you all kinds of valuable information about the other person, about yourself, about the interaction. If you can learn to use those as sources of data, you will get better outcomes.”