What drives you? Is it your own expectations, or the expectations of others? Are those expectations crushing you, making every day harder? 

It’s often impossible for us to meet the expectations we set for ourselves. It’s also impossible to meet the expectations we think others have set for us. We spend a lot of time racing against our own expectations and what we perceive to be other people's expectations. Anxiety happens when expectations are out of balance, ungrounded. 

If expectations feel overwhelming, I hear you. 

And I’m here to help.

First, put aside some time. 15 minutes should be plenty of time. 

Second, find a quiet spot, and bring a notebook and a pen or pencil. 

Now, take a deep breath. We’re going to do an expectations audit. 

Sometimes our expectations need to be rebalanced, just like our retirement portfolios. 

In this week’s podcast, I talk with Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. She explains her “Four Tendencies” – a simple yet powerful personality test based on expectations. Her framework is helpful because her framework is all about meeting expectations: yours and everyone else’s. 

Rubin says, “All of us face outer expectations, like a work deadline. And we also face inner expectations, like my own desire to keep a New Year's resolution. So depending on whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations, that makes you an upholder, a questioner, an obliger, or a rebel.” Take five minutes to try her quick quiz and see if it resonates for you.                                                      

Once you know which one you are (Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel?), then we can start our expectations audit.

Who am I achieving for, and do I want to keep achieving at this level? Start by writing down a big milestone you’ve reached in your career. It could be a specific job title, a completed project, a salary figure, or any marker of status and accomplishment. It could also be a degree you earned. 

Ask yourself: when I accomplished this milestone, whose expectation was I trying to meet? Was it my own expectation, or a parent’s? A mentor’s? Is this my own standard?

If it’s your own expectation, take a look at it again. Is this one I want to keep? Or can I let this one go? Sometimes, expectations that feel like your own are not; you might have internalized them as your own from a formative experience in your life.

For example, I find it helpful to audit my expectations around my body and physical fitness. I struggle with my body image and compulsions around dieting and exercise (I shared this in an episode about eating disorders and anxiety). I grew up in a culture and in a household that rewarded thinness and excellent physical fitness. And so I realized several years ago that my high expectations around what my body should look like are actually learned behaviors, and that they’d become my own through a long process of internalization. I’m still trying to untangle these expectations and I still struggle with eating and exercise. But I know I want to get rid of these damaging expectations which feel like mine but really are not mine – and they’re harmful.

My true, intrinsic motivation is that I love playing sports! My own expectation is to have fun playing games like tennis. I’m working to remind myself that I love playing sports, because otherwise the other expectation is so strong and ingrained it can dominate and suck the joy out of my life.

I know, an expectation audit seems like a lot of work. It is a lot to take in – but I know you can do it. Understanding what expectations drive you to achieve will change your life for the better. So, to re-cap:

1. Put aside some time – start with 15 minutes. 

2. Find a quiet spot, and bring a notebook and a pen or pencil.

3. Take a deep breath. You can do this! We’re going to do an expectations audit. 

4. Take the Four Tendencies Quiz. What is your tendency around expectations?

5. Write down a big milestone from your career.

6. Whose expectation was I trying to meet by reaching for and achieving this milestone?

7. Is this an expectation I want to keep, or can I let this one go?

The next time you jump to agree to an expectation that’s too high, give yourself a moment to say, is this something that I really want? Is it an expectation that is reasonable for me to take on? 

I’d love to hear about your expectations!