“I don’t want to be a burden.”

I hear it over and over. I’ve felt it myself. When we’re going through a mental health crisis, we worry about being a burden to the people we love. We worry about being a burden to our colleagues. And this fear of being a burden traps us in bad situations. It prevents us from asking for help. When you’re depressed you’re more likely to suffer self doubt and rumination, causing the “burden feeling” to heighten.

Sometimes, we need significant life changes, but the perceived cost feels too high. This conflict can severely impact mental health, causing us to hide our struggles. Many people manage "role conflict" - the push-pull between being present for family and the need to be successful professionally. Mental ill health can exacerbate this conflict, and conversely, role conflict can damage mental health.

Two working fathers share their experiences with this struggle this week on The Anxious Achiever.

Brad Harrington, now Executive Director at the Boston College Center for Work & Family, previously worked as an executive at a major tech company. “I don’t even know how I would label the dysfunction I felt. But my kids were very young, and my wife was expecting and I was working 3000 miles from home and commuting every other week. I was a conflicted father. A lot of my identity was tied up in my corporate role but there came a moment when I said, ‘this isn’t working. What’s paying the price is my time with my family.’”

Brad’s wife agreed, and eventually confronted him, saying, "You need to fix this... it's not working for you and it's not working for the family." This conversation gave Brad the freedom to make a change, leading him to take a 75% pay cut to become an educator. It was difficult at the time, but it was the pivot Brad and his family needed.

Liam Martin was the morning anchor of WBZ news, Boston’s CBS affiliate—a dream job. The toll of waking up at 2:00 every morning and in bed by 7:30, hardly seeing his kids, affected Martin’s wellbeing. As someone who says he’d been “obsessed with achievement” for as long as he can remember, Martin had everyone fooled. He masked depression and anxiety and even hid how he felt from his wife (or at least, he thought was hiding it). Martin wrote, “Two years into working the morning shift, I was a wreck. I was foggy-brained, drained, stressed, and, eventually, depressed. I was suffering from intrusive thoughts and self-loathing. Some days, just getting out of bed felt like a monumental task.” In 2022 he approached his breaking point.

Martin worried he would become a burden to his wife; he worried he was weak. He worried about his job. “And I think this is very common with men, that we don't want to open up because we worry.  I'm supposed to be the strong one.I don't want to be the one that needs something.” When he finally did share, Martin’s wife was honest, because his mental illness had been taking a toll on everyone. “She said the only way you won't be a burden is if you get help.”

Both men's experiences highlight the importance of vulnerability and seeking support. Martin reflects, "To see that [my wife] reacted in the way she did allowed me to then say, you know what? Maybe other people in my life will react this way too. And I should trust that that will be okay."

Here are three questions that you can ask yourself if you recognize yourself in Liam and Brad:

Am I Really Fooling People?

No one wants to be a burden. But the people who love us are smart. We’re not fooling them. They see our pain. Our pain is a burden for them, because they love us. We can share the burden by getting help. Remember, the only way out is through, and we cannot get through alone.

Who Am I Doing This All For?

Last year I felt guilty and overwhelmed by all the work travel. I missed my kids. I felt role conflict everyday. But I kept telling myself that the work was important- after all, people tell me every day that I’ve helped them through hard times. Praise and applause feeds my hungry ego. My friend Sanyin Siang took my breath away when she asked me “Why are you working so hard to impress a bunch of strangers?” (She attributes this amazing question to Alison Levine).

I wish I could say I work less and that my ego is less hungry. I’m still a workaholic try-hard who is constantly worried about going broke. But now, I run my impulse to over-schedule through a filter and I ask myself the question: “Why am I doing this? Who is this for?” I know that staying home to be with my amazing kids is sometimes a valid option. They are worth more than my ego and anxiety.

Is Keeping The Status Quo Aligning With My Values?

Harrington teaches his MBA students to align their personal values with their actions whenever possible. Values minimize conflict. He suggests: Look at your calendar. If where you're spending your time and energy conflicts with what you believe in, that’s a sign the status quo isn’t working. Many of us prize time with our family and it’s a core value. When your job begins to strip that from you, mental health is compromised— and so are your values.  If the demands of a job or role conflict rob you of mental health and joy, does that align with your values?

Everyone has a different situation. Sometimes we can’t quit and that’s ok too. If everything is out of whack and your mental health is suffering, ask yourself: What’s worse- a pay cut or economic insecurity or the status quo? This is an honest question; only you can answer. But it’s worth asking and answering.

Morra