Why a systems perspective helps us stop blaming, people pleasing, and getting lost in what other people think

We’re very focused on the “I” but in truth, almost everything we do as humans is in response to a relationship or our role in a system.  Therapist Kathleen Smith’s insights from Bowen Family Systems theory can transform our approach to relationships, work, and ourselves. Her work has helped me immensely (I lovingly refer to myself as a workaholic try-hard who is always afraid of going broke and letting other people down) shift from blaming myself or other people into examining what’s happening in the system, team, group, or family unit. Listen to this episode- it’s 35 minutes of aha moments and great advice.

Understanding Systems

Systems thinking views groups of people (or organisms) as entities trying to:

1. Solve problems and move forward

2. Manage tension (anxiety) and regulate themselves

This perspective shifts our focus from individual goals to understanding our role within larger living systems.

Breaking Free from Labels

Our culture often encourages us to label ourselves: "I'm an introvert," "I'm anxious," etc. Instead, consider asking:

- What specific events or interactions affect you?

- How does the system or relationship influence your behavior?

This approach provides relief and a broader perspective without absolving personal responsibility.

Relationship Orientation vs. Self-Focus

Ask yourself:

- How much energy do you spend trying to be what others want?

- How much energy do you spend trying to make others act how you want?

Shifting some focus back to self can lead to more thoughtful decisions and healthier relationships. Smith says, “Most of us could say we spend a pretty good amount of energy into those two categories. How much energy is left for self for figuring out who you want to be and for giving other people the space to do the same thing. How do you get some of that energy back into how you operate and how do you make decisions that are about what you think is the right thing or the next thoughtful thing versus the thing that's going to keep people happy or keep them from getting upset?"

The Paradox of Blame and Conflict

Surprisingly, blame and conflict can be stabilizing forces in relationships. They allow us to believe someone else needs to change, providing temporary comfort. However, true progress often comes from:

- Managing our own reactivity

- Asking better questions (e.g., "How do I make decisions?" instead of "Why am I unhappy?")

Anxiety and Relationship Orientation

Increased anxiety often heightens our focus on others' reactions. Recognizing this natural response can help us avoid misinterpreting situations or feeling like impostors. Smith shares, “I've really noticed this every time I have a book about to come out because my anxiety goes up because something big is about to happen, I don't know what's going to play out and I just automatically see that relationship orientation grow up. I start to focus a lot more about what people are going to think of me. And I think if a person can kind of recognize that, oh, there's not a sign something's wrong, or even that someone's unhappy with you, it's just a sign that the anxiety has gone up. So of course you would be monitoring other people's reactions more closely than normal. That's just such a natural instinct. I mean, thousands of years ago, the risk would be being kicked out of the group and starving alone in the wild, but most of the time these days, those aren't the risks, but we still have that same reaction.”

Impostor feelings are the same thing. It feels to me a very normal reaction to our basic human desire to be liked and not killed. So we need to be accepted into the group. Of course we worry about what other people think, but of course that can also take way too much brain space.

Smith notes, “It's so useful from an organizational standpoint as well when one or two people can recognize, let's say after a big meeting, oh wow. I was really focused on how people were responding to my comment. I wonder if the anxiety's up in the system right now, and I was kind of catching some of that. It was a little bit contagious."

Systems Thinking vs. Storytelling

When faced with challenges, it's easy to create narratives about others (e.g., "My boss is mean"). Instead, systems thinkers:

- Ask "how" questions instead of "why" questions

- Observe reciprocal relationship patterns

- Predict challenges based on system dynamics

Smith says, “We love to have someone to blame and certainly at work we love to have someone to blame, but often it's about what questions am I not asking myself? I call it the “why thinking.” Why are things this way? I mean, the only answer to that question is it's my fault or somebody else's, right? That might be true to some degree, but how helpful is that? Can you ask some better questions?  'What choices have I made?' 'What do I want to do for myself?' I think those are so much more useful than ‘why am I upset?’”

Blame and conflict are also stabilizing. Smith: “If you think about how nice it's to have somebody else need to do the changing, right, and vice versa, it's going in both directions. Both people think the other person needs to change and that's a way of getting sort of comfortable, but it's a very temporary comfortableness and I think people often think that the conflict needs to get solved for things to calm down, and often the opposite is true. People need to manage themselves a little bit more responsibly and manage the reactivity to the situation. And often a lot of the conflict will resolve itself because there's just less intensity. There's less of a need to sort of study oneself by blaming others.”

The most hopeful thing from Smith is this: Small changes in your behavior can lead to positive change in a whole system! She says, "A lot of times people will say to me, I have a toxic boss, or my team is terrible, or the culture is terrible and they feel so stuck. And what you're saying is that may all be true, but you could start to change and see what happens."

If you can manage your own anxiety or emotional reactivity a little more responsibly, that puts less anxiety into the system. "Let's say there's a lot of gossip or talking about others in a workplace and one person starts to get clear with themselves and says, 'you know what, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go to people if I have an issue with them, I'm not going to spend a lot of time venting or complaining to others.' They're managing that stress in a different way. And then the system itself all of a sudden has a little bit more energy to solve those problems and work on those goals, and the gossip is not getting fed to others as a way of passing along the anxiety the next person. And so it's useful both for the individual but also for the system because it's beginning to operate in a different way."

Morra

PS: Pre-order Smith's new book "True to You: A Therapist's Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself."