Mental Load And The Toll of Emotional Thinking Work
Do you ever feel like your brain is running a constant background program you can't shut off, filled with zig-zagging emotions? There's a name for that: mental load.
I sat down with Leah Ruppanner, a sociology professor at the University of Melbourne, whose groundbreaking research is finally giving us language for something we've all felt but couldn't quite articulate. Her forthcoming book, Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More, reveals why simply hearing the words "mental load" makes your shoulders tense up. Watch Leah and I in conversation here: https://www.linkedin.com/posts/morraaaronsmele_mentalload-womenatwork-anxiousachiever-activity-7405346860003131392-PAr-?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAAAAOo3EBvCq8XhGFVG-_9KVCJYmaf26M_9g
What Is Mental Load?
Mental load is emotional thinking work. It's not just remembering tasks; it's the worry, anticipation, and emotional labor wrapped around those tasks. It's thinking: Did I remember grandma's gift? Is my mom upset I haven't called? Does anyone at the birthday party have allergies I need to track? Is my colleague struggling-- should I check in? Am I raising good kids? Did I book my mammogram? And all too often: Are the people I love safe from danger and violence?
If reading that paragraph made your chest tighten, you're experiencing what Dr. Ruppanner calls the visceral response to mental load. It's thinking work that feels heavy because it's tied to the people we care about and our desire to make sure everything goes well. It’s not just a to-do list (although it’s that, too). It’s the emotional labor embedded in every little task. Here are two vignettes from me:
Yesterday when it was 16 degrees, I realized my son doesn’t have snow boots. And then I worried he might slip on the ice and break something, which would take him out of basketball for the season. Which could impact his future… and wow, the spiral began. The snow boots aren't just snow boots. They're about safety, sports, scholarships, and his dreams.
And then I remembered we’re out of Hanukkah candles. And I felt guilty. Remembering the Hanukkah candles isn’t just about ritual. It’s about holding on to meaning and helping the kids maintain a connection to a piece of their heritage. This train of thought led me to the realization I haven’t visited my mom in memory care in 4 days, and she’s probably sad and wonders where I am.
And then the dog barfed because somehow it had found a box of Christmas cookies.
ALL OF THIS HAPPENED WHEN I WAS SITTING AT MY DESK, “WORKING.” That’s why it’s called a load. The thoughts are emotional. They weigh us down, and they distract us from what’s at hand.
Dr. Ruppanner’s research identifies eight types of mental load—many of which show up at work, too:
Life Organization: Planning schedules, ordering supplies, managing logistics.
Emotional Support: Checking in with coworkers, family, and friends.
Relationship Hygiene: Maintaining connections, managing team dynamics.
Magic Making: Creating special moments—yes, even that perfect team offsite.
Dream Building: Helping others achieve goals (hello, mentorship).
Individual Upkeep: Managing your health and energy.
Metacare: Staying aligned with your values—thinking about what kind of world you want to live in.
Mental Load to Safety: Constantly thinking about whether you, or those you love, are safe.
That last one? It’s becoming a defining feature of modern life, especially in the U.S.
The composition of your mental load varies based on who you are, your life stage, and even the time of day. What weighs on you in the morning can look completely different by evening. It's fluid, not fixed.
The Gender Gap Is Real
The data is stark: mothers carry 70% of the life organization mental load while fathers carry 40%. Wait—that adds up to more than 100%? Yes. Because unlike housework, mental load can be duplicated. Both partners can worry about whether the kids' nails are trimmed, whether daycare is working out, whether elderly parents are okay. You can both be carrying the same concern.
The challenge? Men often don't know this work is happening because it's invisible. You're not vacuuming or doing dishes while on a video call: you're thinking, worrying, anticipating, planning. No one can see it.
The Hidden Tax of Living in Fear
In her research, Dr. Ruppanner interviewed both American and Australian people, and she found a sharp difference between Americans and Australians. American parents—especially mothers—routinely mentioned a mental load to safety: the ever-present fear that their kids could be victims of gun violence. School shootings. Random attacks. The “what ifs” that never stop. We feel this heavily right now.
This fear isn’t just emotional. It’s physiological. It keeps us in a constant state of hypervigilance—a low-grade fight-or-flight that taxes our nervous systems, saps our energy, and leaves little left for joy, rest, or strategy.
And it’s not just about mass shootings. For Black and Brown parents in the U.S., this mental load to safety is compounded by racism. One Black American woman told Ruppaner about the toll of a constant calculation of safety risks. The interviewee shared that she’d recently worried about offering help to an elderly white woman in the grocery store, running through a risk calculation in her mind. Will the elderly woman see my help as a threat? That is a heavy mental load.
What Are We Losing?
Leah asks a powerful question: What would we be capable of if we weren’t so drained? What kind of world could we create if women, parents, caregivers—anyone carrying an outsized load—had more mental space?
What systems would we redesign? What ideas would we push forward? What healing could we do?
We often talk about burnout as a personal failing. But Leah reminds us that it’s a structural failure. And until we name the different components of the mental load—and who’s expected to carry them—we can’t begin to build something better.
Rethinking Magic Making
With the holidays in full swing, Leah offered a challenge: look at your calendar and ask yourself: am I doing this out of joy or obligation?
If decorating, baking, or sending holiday cards fills your cup, great. But if it drains you, let it go. She calls this “strategic mental load investment.” Reclaim your energy for what matters most to you.
Magic doesn't have to mean cookies and candles. It might mean deep conversation. Rest. Lasagna by the pool. (Seriously—Leah made the front page of an Australian newspaper for that one.)
One Small Step to Take Today
Try logging your mental load for just one morning. Write down every thought, task, worry, or emotional processing you do, big or small. Then ask yourself:
Which of these feel strategic or fulfilling?
Which are draining?
Which could be shared, outsourced, or let go?
As Dr. Ruppanner puts it, the real tragedy is when we’re so mentally taxed by survival that we have no space to dream or build. Leah’s book Drained: Tame Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More is coming in April 2026. You’ll want it on your shelf. In the meantime, take care of your load, and don’t be afraid to put down what’s no longer yours to carry.
I wish you a lighter holiday season!
Morra