Boundaries Are a Big Deal

We are hearing a lot about boundaries in the context of what people are calling “quiet quitting” I think this is great. People are finally saying, “You WILL NOT trample my boundaries any more!” They’re tuning in, and turning off the laptop. 

So many of us have gotten used to our boundaries being trampled on constantly at work. It’s very difficult to give yourself permission to get off a path, especially if that path has been hard-won. It’s difficult to say, after years of work, that you just don’t have it in you to "hop on Zoom." But every time you just shut that laptop at 4:45 pm (even though you know your boss will be emailing you until 7pm), it’s a reaction to your boundaries being crossed. 

Boundaries are a big deal. Your physical boundaries control your safety by establishing your level of comfort with touching and interaction, and your emotional boundaries protect you from being crushed by difficult personalities or enmeshed by in dysfunctional systems. Your boundaries around work are equally important, and they encompass every other kind. As Darlene Lancer, MFT, put it, “Boundaries are your bottom line.” 

You need permission to feel when your boundaries are being crossed. It takes practice.

Why Are Boundaries a Big Deal?

Engaging proactively with your feelings can give you, as Psychologist Rebecca Harley says, an “early warning system” for your boundaries being crossed. She suggests two emotional cues to tune in on: discomfort and resentment. 

Both of those emotions are common signals that your personal boundaries are being threatened, but they are also emotions we are taught to suppress and question. When an interaction or situation triggers either emotion, examine the interaction or expectation, and ask why. When your boss texts you at 9pm for a quick urgent matter, you may feel a moment’s twinge of resentment but you can understand it’s a reasonable request and quickly move on. When she continually texts you just because she can, your resentment is probably growing strong, because your boundaries have been crossed.

Rebecca Harley tells us, “We have our feelings not just to communicate outward but to communicate inward.” She suggests a mindfulness exercise to begin to tune in. First, simply observe. What doesn’t feel quite right? What is arising? Next, try to put words onto the emotion you’re feeling on it. They don’t have to be specific.

By virtue of paying attention, you’re getting a closer approximation to what the right decision is for you. Give yourself a baseline permission to recognize that your feelings might mean something, but then a willingness to observe until it starts to resolve itself into a clearer directional message.

What’s a Boundary?

Here’s how Rebecca Harley puts it: she told me to imagine I was in a swimming pool with a rope dividing the shallow from the deep end. Wherever I was unable to stand securely, the boundary was being crossed. A limit, on the other hand, is a declaration of a boundary—it’s , the rope itself. Limits are tactical: I will not check email after 5 pm on a Friday, because working during the weekend sends me off into the deep end—the boundary.

Once you understand what your boundaries are, you can set limits. You might need to set limits on protecting your personal time, or by coworkers who are too close. You might need to set limits on clients who are discourteous or even abusive, or work that overstimulates you, or creates tremendous emotional unrest. Or too much Zoom.

This is adapted from my 2017 book Hiding in the Bathroom : How to Get Out There (When You'd Rather Stay Home).