Don’t let The Voice ruin your life
Dear Friends -
You’re lazy… You’re lazy… You’re lazy
My guest this week is Newton Cheng. Newton is not only an executive at Google, but a world champion athlete (he’s a powerlifter). He’s amazing. And he hears The Voice.
You’ve probably had the experience of hearing a voice in your head saying you’re not good enough. That’s The Voice. Maybe The Voice says “If you just work hard enough, you cannot fail. So work harder.” It may feel like it’s your voice, but it’s not. It’s The Voice… and it does not tell the truth.
The self talks to the self. The piece of you that always expects to be the best, to be special, tells the piece of you that is struggling “How dare you be less than perfect?” What voice speaks those lines in your head? Is it a specific person from your past, or is it your own voice?
Newton is an Anxious Achiever who pushed himself to achieve great things often as a way of working through anxiety. Like me (and maybe like you), he hears The Voice.
Newton’s Voice tells him that he’s lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. It never lets him rest. When I look at Newton, I feel like he’s done enough: world champion powerlifter, a four-time national champion, and he holds records at the world, national and state level for his age and weight class. And he is successful professionally, working as a top executive at one of the world’s most admired companies.
After a lot of work and therapy, Newton told me, “I have a better understanding of the patterns and voices in my head. Before the pandemic, before I really started to break down, I felt like I was pretty positive and sunny. And I was led by aspiration.”
But as the pandemic created incredible stressors for all of us, Newton began to notice another voice. A second voice. The Voice.
“It’s not my parents, they never talked to me this way… I don't know where this Voice came from. It would say, ‘get up, you're lazy. Get out of bed because people depend on you and do what you're supposed to do.’ Oh God, The Voice is still there and it is, it is harsh.”
As he delved into therapy and “the work” Newton realized The Voice had always been with him. Where did it come from?
Tune into your inner critic
For me, taking perspective begins with noticing negative self-talk. Notice when you’re being critical. The next time you hear The Voice, listen for clues that can help break the cycle:
Who is speaking? Is The Voice using your voice, or the voice of someone from your past?
What phrases does The Voice use? Notice the words you tend to use over and over again. Is your voice a harsh taskmaster? Or a nagging little bug buzzing in your ear?
How do you feel right before your inner critic takes over? What emotions tend to precede The Voice? For example, you might notice that you tend to feel anxious right before your inner critic tells you to pull an all-nighter on a presentation. What’s making you anxious? What could help calm the anxiety in the moment?
Is your voice driving you to be people-pleasing? Have you caught yourself bending over backwards to help someone who really didn’t need the help? Perhaps your inner critic is demanding you make everyone happy, at your own expense. Next time she tells you to clean up the conference table after a lunch meeting, tell her to be quiet!
Once you begin to notice the themes and commonalities in your favorite self-criticisms, maybe you can address them head-on. An easy way to start: Address yourself in the third person, out loud. Here’s where practicing self-compassion comes in, and it’s a wonderful skill to learn.
Self-compassion means being kind to yourself in a deliberate way, instead of fighting pain or relying on self-criticism. Sometimes I just call it the “sweetheart method.” My former therapist Wilma told me it would help if I called myself “sweetheart” when I was addressing my inner critic. So sometimes, I’ll now say aloud to myself, “Now, sweetheart, you’re not lazy because you decided not to write that blog post. You’re being strategic. Your time is valuable and you don’t need to work for free when you are busy with paying work.” And honestly, it helps.
Join me in talking with Newton about The Voice. And next time you hear The Voice, listen for the clues that will help you diffuse it in the future. Find a way to be kind to yourself, sweetheart.
Lots of love,
Morra
PS. thanks to your support, The Anxious Achiever won silver in the “best commute podcast” category of the new Signal Awards, brought to you by the team at the Webby Awards.