My Vote For Words of the Year: Loneliness and Belonging
Belonging is a beautiful word but not so loneliness. It can feel embarrassing to admit that you feel lonely. So maybe this will make you feel better: half of Americans feel lonely. In my middle age, I’ve often felt lonely even though I'm almost never alone. I watch TV shows where friends just barge into each other's houses all the time and I feel envious. That feels weird to say.
I interviewed U.S Surgeon General Vivek Murthy on loneliness and belonging. Dr. Murthy is a very rare individual: a public figure who normalizes talking about things we don’t usually discuss but that so many of us feel. I am grateful to him. He wants to lessen loneliness and increase belonging. Listen to our conversation, alongside LinkedIn News's Beth Kutscher:
Dr. Murthy-- a person who I imagine is rarely alone-- has felt lonely himself. “In 2017 I was really struggling with a sense of loneliness and disconnection. I also happened to be in a very happy marriage and my wife Alice was my rock during some difficult transitions I was going through. But she recognized what was happening and she told me one day, ‘I think you're missing a community in your life. You don't have people that you're going to work with and getting together with and you're part of a mission with, and I think you need that to be happy.’ And she was exactly right. I had intimate connections in my life. I had a wonderful relationship with Alice and a couple other close friends, but I didn't have a sense of community.” And here’s the thing: “If you don't recognize that,” says Dr. Murthy, “you might see your best friend or your partner struggling with loneliness and think, oh wait, this has got to be a reflection on the relationship. Something must be missing from my marriage if my spouse is lonely. But that's not necessarily the case. It may be missing friends or a sense of community, which is just as important.”
That was an aha moment for me. We can be lonely even if we have people we love. In fact, there are three core elements of social connection, as Dr. Murthy explained:
Most of us need these three types of connections in our life. People are often surrounded by people, but being lonely or feeling connected is really about the quality of those connections. Murthy shared, “I've made many trips to college campuses where students will tell me, 'I feel lonely.' And it's because they don't have people who they feel understand them for who they are, who they can be vulnerable and truly open with without worrying that someone is going to judge them. Somebody who will show up for them in a time of crisis. So it's really about the quality of connections that really determine whether or not we feel lonely.
Here are three wonderful easy actions Dr. Murthy offers to ease loneliness and reinforce connectedness.
Think about somebody you're grateful for- see them in your mind. Try to feel an interaction with them- hear their words. Then, you could compose a text message or a DM or an email to that person and just tell them that you are thinking about them and why you're grateful for them. You could call them too- bonus points! (Phone calls are more impactful connections than text or digital media)
The next time someone in your life calls and you don’t feel like picking up, or you're in the middle of something, just answer anyway. Tell them, “Hi- I’m so glad to hear from you but I can’t talk" or tell them you only have 5 minutes. The act of answering builds social connection for both of you, and just picking up can improve your mood.
The third is that helping other people decreases loneliness, deepens social connection, and in my experience, can help shift a depressed or anxious mood. And so: is there someone you can help, even quickly? Can you leave them an endorsement on LinkedIn? Buy a colleague a coffee? Offer to carpool a busy parent’s kid on a day when you have time? I find this is one of the most powerful ways for me to shift my bad, sad moods.
Loneliness can hurt. Murthy notes that the way we process emotional pain and physical pain can often feel very similar. And so when people say it really hurts to feel lonely sometimes they can mean that in a very physical sense. Often, people are suffering often in silence, and they're alone in their loneliness. They often think, Hey, on social media it looks like everyone else is having a great time and going to parties and celebrating this and that... it seems like they're overjoyed. So I must be the only one struggling with loneliness. And even though we know that online life is a distorted reality, it still makes us feel by comparison like we're worse off when we see all of these joyous pictures posted and we don't feel that way.
So, this leads me into my second word of the year:
Belonging
I love how Dr. Murthy defines it.
Everyone should feel that they're valued. We need to feel like we matter. This is really important at work, too. Murthy notes that often, we don't take enough time to understand whether or not colleagues feel important, where they recognize that their absence is in fact missed and that people want them around. Don't assume someone on your team knows you value them; where much communication is text-driven and people are working more virtually or in hybrid settings, we have to be even more explicit about that, he says.
No matter what you do, or what role you play in an organization, you matter.
Belonging is vital. Murthy says, “And I think it's important that everyone knows about it because whether you are in a management position, whether you're the CEO, whether you're a frontline worker, whatever position you're in, we all can do things in our interactions with others to help them feel like they belong. If they missed work, just telling them, 'Hey, I noticed you were gone yesterday. We really missed having you in that meeting. These meetings are always better when you're there and you contribute so much.' That means a lot for someone to hear. Otherwise they might think, eh, I wasn't there. What difference did it really make?”
Loneliness and belonging are both key factors in our mental and physical health. They are essential pieces of our human nature that leaders must take seriously. Last Thursday, an incredible person, colleague, and a dear member of my professional community passed away. Her name was Benish Shah. Benish was a true believer in helping people feel like they belonged. It was one of her superpowers. In a remembrance someone wrote of her: “You popped into my head and just wanted to check in.” Benish started lots of emails to me like this :) Her thoughtfulness, care, and advocacy has been unparalleled as a friend and mentor.” It’s something we can all try to model.
Morra
PS: Check this out: Dr. Murthy just launched the 5-for-5 Connection Challenge, calling on Americans to take five actions over five days to build more connection in their lives. As we enter the holiday season, the 5-for-5 Connection Challenge aims to inspire people of all ages to build, strengthen, and prioritize their relationships.
PPS: Read the Surgeon General’s Advisory on Our Epidemic of Loneliness