Interpreting gaslighting, sludging, and just plain nastiness

I just ran into a woman I knew from a long time ago. I’ve followed her career. This is a woman who is at the top of her field, an innovator. But she seemed a little bit down. It was her job, she told me. Last year she left the role that she loved “because of a supervisor.” My friend moved laterally within the organization, but her new role isn’t as satisfying. Even worse, she told me, “I feel unmoored. The supervisor was so terrible and I needed to leave, but I’m walking around now doubting myself all the time, because she made me distrust myself.” Have you ever had this experience? I have, and it’s awful.

On the Anxious Achiever we talk a lot about the impact of negative self-talk, impostor feelings, and other anxieties. It’s true: our inner critic can have a huge impact.

But often, your anxiety isn’t about you. My podcast guest Mita Mallick, author of Reimagine Inclusion: Debunking 13 Myths To Transform Your Workplace, puts it clearly:

“There have been moments in my career where I did show up confident and capable, but others instilled anxiety in me because they were gaslighting me. They were dismissing me, they were minimizing me. They were underestimating me.”

Some people have the ability to let any kind of negative feedback roll off their back. I am not one of them.  I find anxious achievers are usually first in line to violently agree when someone criticizes us. But it’s an important skill to be able to realize whether your inner critic is interpreting constructive criticism as a catastrophe--- or if someone else is intentionally trying to make you feel bad about yourself. 

For many years if someone said something bad, demeaning, or nasty about me, I instantly assumed they were right. But recently I realized: I have to stop signing up for this sh*t.

Mita Mallick shares a pivotal moment of her own. “I was asked to present to our top 200 leaders at a company I worked for, and I did it, and it went really well. It was really anxiety provoking; it was a lot of preparation but I nailed it on stage. The CEO came up to me after… all this great stuff.”

A week later, Mita was sitting in her boss’ office and he said, “‘Mita, at your level, you're not supposed to be that good. You do know that, right?’ And that is one of hundreds and hundreds of comments this individual would make over the course of my time having to work for them. That will start to instill anxiety and self-doubt in you.”

Sometimes people give you judgment disguised as feedback because of their own anxiety or insecurity. And sometimes, it is purposeful and designed to wound or make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s in the form of passive aggressive sludging, and sometimes it’s blatantly nasty. It's often about someone trying to assert power. Either way: THIS IS NOT FEEDBACK!

So how do you know what’s constructive feedback and what’s gaslighting? Remember that it is your choice to act upon feedback. Mallick says: You take all the feedback and you decide what you're going to do with it. 

• If you hear something enough from a lot of different people and it's the same theme, then maybe it's time to self-reflect and think about, ‘Is this something I need to take action or reflect upon?’”

• If feedback comes from someone who is a mentor, sponsor, or colleague you really trust, take it seriously.

• If feedback is based on numbers, text, or other “evidence,” it’s worth taking seriously.

• If feedback is on social media…. This is NOT feedback 😀

Mita reminds us: “The other interesting thing about feedback is that my strengths got me to where I am today. I love how we were raised to think about our areas of opportunity, but at some point, my weaknesses are my weaknesses.” Sometimes you can agree with negative feedback, and just move on. You’re great at other things!

Morra

PS: Pre-order Mita's new book, Debunking Inclusion! It’s really great. https://www.amazon.com/Reimagine-Inclusion-Debunking-Transform-Workplace/dp/1394177097

PPS: Another example of nastiness masquerading as feedback, from my interview with Mita Mallick. “There's a myth that all women don't negotiate. That's not true. Many of us do negotiate, and when we do negotiate, we're minimized. I had an executive recruiter from a top search firm reach out to me a while ago. It was for a big job for a big public company. They ask me for my numbers. I tell them my numbers. They say, “Well, you're highly compensated for what you do.” That is not feedback! That’s a sludge.

And do you know what Mita said back? “I know you're going to place somebody. You're going to get a fee, which is that person's salary times whatever, and this is a public company who has hired you to do a search. So yeah, this is what I am worth, and I have earned it. I have earned it. So that's the number.”

This is something I experience all the time as a self-employed person who's constantly telling people how much I cost. And often I get a version of, “Why are you so expensive?” For a long time I then felt ashamed and guilty and thought, ‘Why AM I so expensive? I don’t deserve it.” But I’m trying not to do that anymore. I am expensive, because I deserve to be.

What are you working on in this area?