What's Your Money Story?
Money is a story we tell ourselves. In my years interviewing financial therapists and personal finance advisors, this theme rings loud and true. Of course, we need money. Of course, numbers matter. But I can’t think of another vehicle into which we embed so much of our self-worth, our personal history, fears, and our hopes and dreams.
My mom once told me that we all have “a story”- an experience from our youth that has profoundly shaped how we approach adult life and that sums up the essence of our childhood. In my experience, this is especially true when it comes to money. It’s taken me years of therapy to realize my “money story” affects me to this day, and I still act it out.
Do you have a money story? Here’s mine.
I was accepted into Brown University on an early decision in the fall of 1993. I was ecstatic. That season, Brown was the hardest American university to get into early- there was even a New York Times article that my insufferable achiever self pasted on the fridge. I was going to play volleyball at Brown and I was so excited and so proud.
I called my father, who, at the time, was estranged from my mother, to tell him the good news. “Daddy Daddy, I got into Brown!” I said. And instantly he said “Well that’s too bad. You’re going to have to go to state school. I’m not paying for it.”
The story of how I actually did go to Brown and we negotiated a deal is a story for another day. But the story of my phone call to my father is my money story. His anger at my mother clouded everything at the time. It’s the story of achieving something I wanted so badly, and the fear of having it taken away from me because of money that I don’t control. It’s the story of feeling unsafe unless you earn it yourself.
To this day, I live in a state of threat of money being taken away from me- no matter if it’s true or not.
I started thinking about this yesterday as I listened to my episode this week with Farnoosh Torabi and read a post from my friend Nihar Chhaya. Nihar writes, “Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back. You'll forever regret the "roads not taken" and your unexplored potential. In careers, venturing into the unknown is the birthplace of innovation. You don't need to have all the answers to be successful. But you do need a strategy to turn uncertainty into enlightened action.”
Now, look, money is not to be taken lightly. We have to be realistic about our needs and the people we have to support. But I also know that right now, my money story is controlling my decision making. It is in charge, which is driving huge anxiety and coloring my decision making when it comes to the next steps in my career.
Does that feel true to you?
Farnoosh Torabi is a personal finance expert, but her own wisdom about how fear controls us is essential if this is an issue for you! And her work is about how to create those strategies for enlightened action. Listen to our episode- and check out her book, "A Healthy State of Panic: Follow Your Fears to Build Wealth, Crush Your Career, and Win at Life." I asked Farnoosh, “What's your recommendation when you realize, gosh, I'm running so fast, I just have to stop and look this fear in the face?”
She says, “You don't run. You take a beat, you listen. You stare it in the face, you examine it. You examine yourself. Fear is just a tool to turn us more inward, to identify who we are, what our values are."
Farnoosh says, “Come for the advice, but stay for the stories.” Our money stories can become vehicles that control us, or they can become part of our personal history that we acknowledge, but treat as the folklore they often are.
Morra
PS: Want to explore more episodes about your money and your emotions from The Anxious Achiever?
Buffie Purselle: Why We Need To Understand Our Emotions About Money
Financial therapist Amanda Clayman
"Money," says Amanda, "isn't always a problem to be solved. And when we ask the right questions and uncover the motivations and roots behind our money anxiety, we're more free to make sensible decisions." So if your own money anxiety has you feeling trapped and unable to make changes in your life, ask for what you want, switch your career, start that business, I hope that this episode will give you some great tools on how to understand how to make changes and not let money anxiety stop you.
Unicorn Investor Andy Johns on How Childhood Trauma Drove His Achievement