It's Not You, It's Them: Unhooking
“There’s no quicker way to kill the joy in my work than to micromanage me.” That’s my LinkedIn colleague Mita Mallick. I think a lot of us would agree! When I’ve been micromanaged, my anxiety hits a 12. It attacks all my insecurities and thought traps: perfectionism, catastrophizing, impostor syndrome.
Amy Gallo is one of the world’s experts on getting along at work. I asked her, “What do you do if a colleague is micromanaging you?”
We have a visceral reaction when someone we work closely with micromanages us. Why are they doing that? If you’re an anxious achiever, there is usually one answer: “They don't trust me. It’s probably my fault.”
You can’t diagnose your micromanager, but odds are that person might be struggling with anxiety. They might be under a ton of pressure from their boss to get this project done. It may be that their first job was working for a micromanager and that's what they think managing means!
Amy Gallo talks about how to “unhook” yourself from the negative story you've told yourself about why you’re being micromanaged:
Visualize unhooking: Take the teeth out of it! You can unhook yourself from feeling bad about yourself, or from trying to change your micromanager. The anxiety around being micromanaged will lessen when you name it for what it is – and not a judgment on your ability.
Don’t believe the lies: Summarize the negative story you’re telling yourself. For example, “My boss is checking in on me all the time because I’m not doing a good job. I’m going to get fired.” Close your eyes and look at that sentence. Sit with it. “I’m going to get fired,” Does it feel true? Try singing it to the tune of Happy Birthday (seriously)! Does it still feel true? You are NOT bad at your job!
It’s not about you: You can only control what you can control, which is your reaction to their behavior. Come up with some alternative explanations to help loosen your grip on that negative story and remind yourself there could be many other things happening here that aren’t about you.
Get specific: What is it you actually want? Don't want to receive emails after 10:00 PM? Or, is it that you want the trust that you can actually do this without them looking over your shoulder? What matters is that the behavior impacts you negatively.
Ask for your what you need: What do I actually need from this relationship? What would make this dynamic better, and if you set up a conversation to talk about it, what's your goal for the interaction? You can’t change your micromanager, but can you make requests about what you would like to happen in a gentle, compassionate way?
Sometimes, it starts with a question. “You know, I’ve been noticing you’re editing this report pretty intensely, which is unlike you. Is there something going on?” Or, “there have been a lot of late night emails, is there something you’re not getting from me during the day?” Not fun questions, but they can be neutral ones.
For guidance on how to have sticky conversations and manage difficult people, I recommend Amy’s book, Getting Along!
Morra
PS: It’s not you, it’s them :)