Mentally Healthy Money

I think it’s fair to say that money makes most of us anxious. Money is often the first place we act out anxiety. The hardest lesson I had to learn as an entrepreneur was how to separate my emotions and my money. After 11 years, was I successful? Yes, and no. 

Because-- how emotional is money! Since birth, we’ve all gotten a lot of messages about money, which means money is loaded with guilt, shame, pride, symbolism, and shoulds. As we’re climbing in our careers, we’re often comparing ourselves to others: their bonuses, their cars, their handbags, whatever.

Us anxious achievers compare ourselves to other people…a lot. We wonder, “Why does my colleague have a new car? What have they figured out that I haven’t?” 

My guest today, financial expert Buffie Purselle says that that comparison “is the thief of joy.”  We need to know what we want, not what society says we should have.

It starts with releasing ourselves from the anxiety and shame of comparison, releasing ourselves from what we consider our money mistakes and regrets, and even the legacy of how our parents acted around money. And then implementing financial mindfulness.

I am on this journey 100%. To wit: 5 years ago I leased a fancy car because I turned 40, and this car was a symbol of my success. I was sick of driving an old dented Subaru. We’d just lived in Los Angeles, where car culture is supreme. But every month, paying that luxury lease made me anxious. Six months into the lease, I woke up one day, went back to the dealer and traded the lease for a used car. I didn’t even tell my husband. I ended up getting a bum deal because I bought the used car on a loan (it was still too much car for me) and I got a penalty from my lease. Driven by anxiety that I was spending too much money, my impulsive action got me an even worse financial deal. 

So every time I turn on the damn car I’m reminded of my impulsivity and anxiety. I felt ashamed for a long time, but now I know it was a great lesson; when I’m anxious, my mind instantly goes to money and financial planning. And that anxious mind doesn’t always make the best decisions with money. It’s an unreliable narrator. So I have to protect myself and not make money decisions when I’m anxious.

Buffie says I’m human, so I wanted to make my anxiety away quickly. A more mentally healthy approach would have been to do nothing! I could have talked to my husband, made a plan, and made a smart decision. 

Now I try to practice financial mindfulness to counter impulsivity around money anxiety. And trust me, it’s come in handy these days with the stock market volatility and uncertainty in the air.

Here’s a financial mindfulness exercise from Buffie that might sound counterintuitive but is so powerful: Wait. 

When you’re triggered by money anxiety, acknowledge your anxiety, try to name the stressor and tell yourself: “It's okay. I'm not gonna react right now. I’m going to forgive myself for whatever the blunder was, because I'm human. And it's fine.” 

Sit in the moment and accept, “this is what I have to deal with and that's okay. I'm going to figure it out.”

Wait. Give yourself a day or two.

Doing nothing when you’re triggered is really hard. Anxious mind wants to fix things! But for decisions around money, you need to give yourself the time and space to acknowledge, step back, and gather wise counsel.