The Shared Humanity of Anxiety
“Sometimes we meet on the terrain of suffering when we can't genuinely meet anywhere else. And it's being the most vulnerable, it's being the most honest, and it's leaving aside titles or job descriptions and saying, yeah, it's rough….This is really hard."
That’s my podcast guest, the legendary meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg, speaking wise words.
I have to admit that I struggled to write this newsletter in a week of such horrifying news. Who am I to be anxious? I don’t live in Ukraine; my daily life has not been disrupted by war. But I feel that this episode taps into our shared anxieties, and how we can help each other get through them.
No matter what your pandemic has been like, you have suffered. The news right now is terrifying and our hearts are full of fear and sorrow. You are working with people who have suffered. And I’d bet maybe your mental health has really suffered. Right now, in the winter of the 25th month, many of us are feeling more anxious and depressed than ever. And we need to talk about it at work. We can’t hide from it anymore.
People ask me, “I want to be honest and vulnerable about mental health with my team and colleagues, but I don’t know how.”
As the host of a podcast about anxiety and mental health, I tend to be an open book. But I know that most of us don’t share our demons. Few feel comfortable starting a staff meeting with “Wow, I’m anxious today.” But...
Self-aware leaders know when it’s appropriate to be vulnerable
And here’s the thing: Your staff needs you to be transparent and honest about anxiety and mental health.
I’ll never forget what Amelia Ransom, the VP, Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at Smartsheet told me about a moment when a leader she worked with handled a particularly anxious time. Ransom recounts a powerful moment when a senior executive in her company brought the staff together on a videoconference and said, “I can’t tell you, ‘You got this.’ What I can do is hold space for us to be together right now, to talk and figure some things out.”
Holding space for people who are hurting is an incredible act of leadership. And just admitting “I’m anxious today” or “I didn’t sleep well” lets everyone else in the room breathe a little easier.
Nothing establishes trust more effectively than the emotional connection fostered through empathy and shared humanity. This is why being open about your own anxiety can be so powerful. It builds trust when you can ask teammates, “How are you?” and they don’t feel as if they have to lie or put on a happy face.
Here’s how to practice:
Ask yourself: what are your own beliefs about mental health and mental illness? Melissa Doman, author of Yes You Can Talk About Mental Health At Work says, “you have to take a good, hard, long look at yourself first before you can even bring this up to anybody else. Where do those beliefs come from? Do you believe it's permissible to discuss those things in the workplace? Are you actually ready to talk about this?”
Why do you want to share? What outcome do you hope to achieve?
Do you want to open a dialogue and if so, are you willing to listen to others?
Consider what you feel comfortable sharing. You may want to say something as simple as “I’m feeling anxious in these times. How about you all?” Think about the specific language you want to use to express yourself.
Consider the best time to bring it up. Not when everyone is rushed or during a difficult meeting!
Are there tangible actions you can take, or you can bring to your team to help everyone’s mental health?
The balance between authenticity and revealing too much is one of the hardest things for a leader to learn — and you need to do what’s authentic to you.
But research by the social psychologists Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut, and John Neffinger has shown that the emotional connection created through empathy and shared humanity is one of the best ways to establish trust.
Remember what Sharon Salzberg says: "There's something reassuring about even saying the words … anxiety, and depression, because it's inclusive. We're gathering together and we may have these horrible things, but if we can be together and talk about it, it makes connections. I think of anxiety and depression as a manifestation of a deep yearning we have as humans to be happy, free, have a sense of belonging. The yearning is the point don't feel squeamish or embarrassed. There's a wish to be happy underneath."
PS: Join me for a LinkedIn Live, March 10 at Noon ET with the amazing Alice Boyes, PhD. We will talk about her new book, STRESS-FREE PRODUCTIVITY: A Personalized Toolkit to Become Your Most Efficient and Creative Self. And Alice will give us anxiety-calming tips for a better workday. Info here.
