The Traps: When Anxiety Keeps Us Stuck
A woman I’ll call Claire messaged me after a talk I gave and said, “I'm really anxious. And I think that my anxiety makes me not take risks and makes me scared to say things in meetings or get noticed. I really want a promotion, but I just can't seem to speak up and stand out because I'm so scared of taking risks.”
This person is stuck in a trap. She is trapped by her thoughts and emotions. How many of us can relate? I know I can, every day.
Last week we talked about The Voice. That inner critic that so many of us anxious achievers hear in our heads. This week I want to introduce the idea of Traps, another common way we can stay stuck in anxiety.
Sometimes we get stuck in “thought traps”- automatic negative thoughts that tell us we’re impostors, the worst case scenario will happen, or that we’re only worthy when we’re perfect.
Sometimes we get trapped by embodying our limiting thoughts, becoming “fused” with a negative or anxious thought and being unable to take action.
This week I talked to the incredible Harvard Medical School psychologist, author, and coach Susan David, whose book Emotional Agility has helped millions of people manage through challenging thoughts and awful feelings so we can live lives that are more free.
Susan and I talk about how to get unstuck from uncomfortable emotions and thoughts that keep us stuck in situations that we don’t want to be in. Situations that run counter to our values, what we stand for and who we want to be.
Freedom from the Traps.
Here’s what Susan David says: “There is nothing inherently good or bad, positive or negative about any thought, emotion or story. This is literally our brains doing its job, which is trying to protect us.
We can get trapped when we have a normal thought, emotion or story. And it keeps us stuck. In psychology, we call this fusion (pr emotional rigidity). I had the thought, and I believe that thought is 100% true and defining of me.``
Here’s an example of fusion using Claire’s example: “I feel unworthy. My story is a story that I'm unworthy of attention. Therefore, I'm not gonna put my hand up for that promotion. What is happening over time is the person is moving away from their values because their values are values of growth.”
“When we can be with our difficult thoughts, emotions, and stories in ways that are curious, in ways that are compassionate, in ways that are courageous and that bring us towards our values,” Susan says, we defuse. We show emotional agility.
We can say to ourselves, “Wow, I’m anxious. But anxiety is an emotion. It doesn’t mean I don’t know the answer to the question. So I’m going to put my hands up anyway.”
We claim the space between stimulus and response, to paraphrase Victor Frankl. Susan David says, “That space is our power to choose. And in that choice lies our growth and our freedom.”
One of the most powerful ways to remove the traps is to tune into your values. Values are what give our lives meaning. We can’t “achieve” values- but they guide how we live our lives and the decisions we make.
Susan David says, “knowing who you are and what you stand for from a values-based perspective is one of the most profound ways that we can center ourselves in the world.”
Fighting my anxiety and forcing myself to get out of my house has been a consistent way for me to live my values. Sometimes my anxiety makes me scared to leave the comfort of home. Flying makes me extremely anxious, sometimes panicked. My work demands I travel a lot and each and every time I want to stay in the terminal, cry, and never board that plane. But I move through anxiety and get on that plane for two reasons.
I value providing a good life for my children. Flying helps me earn money to support them.
I value being a good colleague, client, and partner and sometimes I need to fly to meet them and support our work. I value being reliable and professional. Flying ensures I show up for the people in my life.
Is anxiety trapping you? Here’s an exercise from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Have a glance at this worksheet from ACT therapist Russ Harris. It helps you define the kind of values that are most important to you and the person you want to be.
Which are the five values that instantly spoke to you? What’s a recent way in which you made a decision that supports a value? When did anxiety keep you trapped from living out a value?
Morra