When You're An Anxious Parent

It's Mental Illness Awareness Week, and the theme is "What I Wish I'd Known." I wanted to share what I wish I'd known about managing an anxiety disorder as a new parent.

My children are now older, but when they were babies and then toddlers, my anxiety about being separated from them was overwhelming. It interfered with my career and my mental health. I’d had an anxiety disorder since my teens but my babies became a huge new vessel for deep fears. When I worked in my house and my children were out with their sitter, I would hear sirens in the distance and freeze up. Were they in an accident? Every single time I boarded an airplane (and I flew a lot for work) I’d worry I’d never see my children again. 

Because of my anxiety, I burned bridges with last-minute cancellations. I ducked out during meetings. But the worst was when there was a snow storm.

Once, I abruptly left in the middle of an important three-day meeting in D.C. when I learned a Nor'easter storm was predicted to hit Boston. I panicked. I felt I had to beat the storm and return home to my kids. The terror I felt being hundreds of miles away from my children became overwhelming for me. I could think of nothing else but booking a flight home. And so I did; I promptly left the meeting. I think a lot of people were puzzled (there were even people who lived in Boston who didn’t leave the meeting) and my client and colleagues were definitely annoyed.

I should have just said to my colleagues, “I’m having a panic attack and I need help. My children are far away from me and I am triggered by blizzards. Can you give me a pep talk?”

 Five Things I Wish I Had Known:

You’re not alone. One in five Americans suffer from anxiety. At any given time, someone you’re with is likely to be anxious. People are afraid of bugs, mice, spiders, water, death, sharks, clowns, hospitals, blood, elevators. People in their twenties are panicking because they’re trying to figure it all out. People in their middle age are having mid-life crises. People in their eighties are wondering why they wasted so much time worrying. You are not alone.

Label your anxiety. Simply recognizing what’s making you anxious and acknowledging it can help you calm down. For example, I will say, "I'm feeling flooded with anxiety because I'm separated from my kids and I can't see them." Then I remind myself, “You’re just like all these other mothers in the world. They're anxious, too."  You are not alone.

Ask for updates. Worrying interrupts and distracts. Worry takes you out of whatever you’re doing at the time--not a great plan at work. So build in reassurances. Away from your kids? Get your partner or babysitter to send you pictures. Meeting going on without you? Ask your colleague to shoot you a text about how it's going. It’s much harder to obsess about what’s going wrong when you know what’s going on.

Remember to embrace your courage. We are all brave in our own ways – but what looks like courage to me might be run-of-the-mill to you. Other people see you, and they know you are brave. The truth is, things we take for granted often seem brave to others, and things we can’t do are a breeze for some. Remembering that it’s all relative can be very helpful when you’re feeling defined by what you think you can’t do. When you’re in the moment, find that brave thing. Let yourself feel proud and brave (or amused and shaking your head at your friend) instead of anxious and “crazy.”

And finally:

Always be breathing. Our biology shapes our mood. The human body is always calmed by breathing when our brains can’t calm us. Start by simply taking a few deep breaths and exhaling longer than you inhale. Any time, anywhere, breathing is your friend. It will work. You are not alone.