Here's How Women (And Men) Can Use Emotion at Work Strategically
Emotions at work are gendered. I bet every professional woman is familiar with the constant impression management that goes along with career growth. We know how to modulate the questions we ask men so we don’t affront or threaten.* We dance between showing empathy and vulnerability and being “too emotional,” or God forbid, “messy.” And this dance puts us in a double-bind, says my podcast guest Marianne Cooper, PhD. Cooper is a sociologist at Stanford University where she conducts research on gender, women’s leadership, diversity and inclusion, the future of work, financial insecurity, and economic inequality. She was a lead researcher for the book Lean In in 2013, and has co-authored the subsequent studies from Lean In and McKinsey on women in the workplace. Because Cooper is a sociologist, she studies how we humans organize ourselves and the roles we play in systems. She looks closely at societal status.
In most work cultures, Cooper explains, men have higher status than women: “Status is reflected in gender; it's racialized, and it's also reflected in social class.” Organizations are gendered and racialized as well. And so our conceptions of what a leader looks, sounds, and acts like match with characteristics we associate with men. But they also match with emotions we associate with men. Many of the emotions we associate with women are seen as contradictory to leadership, and yet when women do not display feminized emotions, they often get dinged**. That’s the emotional double-bind. It’s a lot of emotional work that Cooper notes is often invisible, but is really an additional form of work.
Women in leadership need to be highly competent, says Cooper, but need to have emotional control. “You need to be calm under pressure and not let things get to you, not take things personally. But also warm, friendly, and compassionate. And so there's this mismatch often between what we think leaders are like and what we think women are like.” Women often get pushback if they’re too “aggressive.” This stereotype is especially pernicious for Black women.
But: anxiety is still not considered an acceptable emotion for men at work. It's conflated with weakness and men have to be strong. Men might compensate for anxiety with even more dominant behavior, or self destructive behavior. Everyone suffers when emotions are gendered and we are constrained within biased organizations.
You can’t change toxic systems and stereotypes overnight. Here's the good news: emotion is a powerful leadership tool. Women and men can use emotion strategically. I asked Cooper: what’s the strategic way to bring your whole self to work right now? She laughed and said, "In the ideal scenario, you don't have to be strategic. You just come to work and you talk about whatever you wanna talk about or you can be open with your emotions, but I think the research is clear that that can have certain moments where it's not gonna work out for you."
Observe the people who are successful around you: how do they use emotion as a communication tool, a way to show leadership, and in negotiations? In addition to being healthy and building trust, shedding a tear can be an extremely powerful way to communicate and you may have managers who do it. Joy is a powerfully contagious emotion. And there are times when expressing anxiety feels reassuring to teams who are also anxious and uncertain.
Where are you getting positive and negative feedback about your emotions? Every organizational culture values different emotions. Some value anger, and some value empathy. Some even value fear. Understand yours.
Where have colleagues truly connected with you through emotion? I did an interview yesterday with a prominent leader. She asked me how my son was, because he has been in and out of hospitals. As I told her, she welled up over Zoom. It was a powerful connection between two women who are fully human. We instantly felt bonded.
Take baby steps and use more neutral language. Instead of coming into the morning meeting and announcing, "Wow, am I anxious!" you could say, "is anyone else not sleeping particularly well?" Burnout and stress are accepted and universal words that also are often euphemisms for stronger, more uncomfortable emotions.
Cooper notes, "This shouldn't be the individual's responsibility. The goal is to find companies, teams, managers, leaders who are more willing to have people bring their full selves to work." But we both agree, for now, that's aspirational.
Morra
PS: Cooper’s research shows the biggest advance for women in the workplace has been the ability to work more from home, which originated from the pandemic. The screen mediates many of the microaggressions and slights that women at work have to endure. A “sad” commentary, says Cooper.
PPS: I object to International Women's Day. We deserve way more than a day. It's outdated.
* A recent study of 43 current women directors of U.S. publicly traded companies between 2018 and 2019 asked: How do they manage to be perceived as warm, competent, and most important, influential? The researchers found that the women directors who had managed to be warm and likable, but exerted influence monitored how and when they spoke to avoid perceived backlash from other directors. “This backlash included being labeled as cold or incompetent, which lessened their ability to influence board decision-making processes. The root cause of these perceptions is that women are expected to demonstrate both stereotypical masculine traits, such as directness and competence, while also presenting feminine qualities, including warmth and empathy toward others. “
**Research shows that women get dinged for being “too emotional” at work. A recent study showed that labeling a woman as "emotional" or telling her to calm down makes her point of view seem less credible. It diminishes a woman's credibility in our eyes when we see her as emotional.