Sick of talking about mental health at work?

Many leaders are tired of talking about mental health at work. People’s mental health isn’t getting better, even though companies have invested in programs to help. CEOs, feeling pressure from Wall Street, want to cut back on benefits and accommodations. I just heard Walter Isaacson (who is writing Musk’s biography) make fun of mental health days: they’re not “hardcore.”

If you’re sick of talking about mental health at work, maybe you’re talking about it wrong. We cannot hide behind our anxiety. Mental health challenges are not an excuse. But by the same token, we need to acknowledge the realities of how mental health affects performance. 

In my podcast this week, Jimmy Horowitz and Emily Anhalt share their journey to having productive vulnerable conversations in a demanding environment – while working hard to achieve real business performance. The approach they’ve developed is about being vulnerable – with boundaries.

Jimmy Horowitz has one of the biggest jobs in Hollywood. He is Vice Chairman of Business Affairs and Operations for NBCUniversal (market cap $148 billion).  When you watch your favorite movies, TV shows, or news programs, there’s a chance Jimmy did the deal. He’s a lawyer by training, and he runs the business behind the creative.

In 2019, Jimmy was suffering from clinical depression. He kept it a secret. Jimmy says “When you're in my job, I'm responsible for money, for our balance sheet. And the idea that I would be able to disclose that I was suffering in this way was very scary. I really had no way to do that. So I just dealt with it on my own. I basically worked in my office with the door closed and just tried to avoid interaction with people. When you're going through something like this, you realize everyone's so busy and they're also not equipped. I don't know how many people noticed. There was only one person who ever asked me if I was okay during that whole time.”

It was when he was asked to be the Executive Sponsor of NBC Universal’s new mental health program that he realized his secret needed to be told. He told his boss and colleague of 20 years, NBCU Chairman Donna Langley, that he was struggling. And she told Jimmy, “I knew there was something going on for you. I just didn't know what it was.” Jimmy shares, “And of course she didn't know how to ask. And therein lies the dilemma. Because it isn't easy to notice and it's hard to ask. How do you have the conversation? How do you ask in a way that isn't too personal?”

Jimmy shares now, “Vulnerability doesn't have to be a weakness. It's changed for the better because people now see me for who I am. All of us should strive for that….How could I not be thoughtful and compassionate towards someone who is having their own struggles?”

Sounds Great! So How Do I Do That?

Whenever you talk about mental health, personal boundaries come into play — the limits and rules we set for ourselves in our relationships. When we cross our own or others’ boundaries, things can feel uncomfortable, emotionally draining, and just not right. Many managers fear becoming their employees’ go-to resource for mental health challenges because instinctively we know that our boundaries will be crossed, which will zap our own energy and mood. This might lead us to avoid having vulnerable conversations with members of our team.

Jimmy and NBC Universal have been working with Dr. Emily Anhalt, a psychologist who is the cofounder and chief clinical officer of the mental health gym Coa. When it comes to addressing how people should share in a work setting, Anhalt suggests using “boundaried vulnerability”: sharing enough with others to invite connection, without sharing so much that you or your team has an emotional hangover.

The idea, Anhalt says, is that “There’s a spectrum from too tight to too leaky. Too tight is when we don’t let ourselves show up as humans at work. When we’re going through a really tough time and someone asks how we’re doing and we say ‘I’m good, everything’s fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.’” This doesn’t work well because people are perceptive and may feel like we’re shutting off possibilities for authentic connection. Too leaky is when people “evacuate so much of their emotional stuff at work that it puts other people in a position of being their therapist or fixing something they don’t have the responsibility to fix.”

Let’s say a person is going through a tough personal situation. They’re really overwhelmed, and it’s affecting their work. If they pretend everything is fine, that’s too tight of a boundary and not reality. You and your colleagues actually want to know how the person is doing! But on the other end of the spectrum, saying something like “Every day I wake up and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day and I get here and it’s just more of the same. What do you think I should do? How should I handle it?” — that’s too leaky.

What’s the middle ground? Anhalt says the boundaried vulnerability version would be for the person to say something like, “To be honest, I’m actually going through some really tough stuff. It’s definitely affecting how I’m showing up at work. I’m getting support with it. But what I’d really love from you, if you’re open to it, is a little bit of extra time on that deadline? Is that doable?”

Managers can model boundaried vulnerability. If someone comes to us in a puddle, we can say, “I can tell that you’re going through a lot, and I want to make sure that you get the support you deserve for this.” In this situation, we’re modeling our own boundaries while also helping the person move to the most appropriate next steps. 

Morra

PS: If you have time on Friday March 17 at 11 am ET join me and the legend (seriously, she is one of the top management thinkers and leaders of all time) Rita McGrath for a fireside chat. 

PPS: Naveed Lalani has launched a Founder Mental Health Pledge for investors and startup leaders. It’s important. Read VC Brad Feld’s take.

Bonus PS: Check out The Empathy Advantage by Heather E. McGowan 🏳️🌈 and Chris Shipley. There is an amazing chapter on “The Power of Vulnerability and Not Knowing.” We’ve all changed. Now we have to lead like it.